Rest in Heavenly Peace, My Sweet Astrid

Yesterday we said goodbye to our sweet, ornery, perfect pup Astrid. I love and miss her so much I can't even put it into words.

I'll be posting a full memorial post for my sweet old gal next week, probably on Wednesday, as that has almost always been pup Astrid's day of the week for posts here on our blog. I will be continuing that.

I do want to give an explanation of what happened, as I know you all love Astrid as well and I want you to know how the dreadful decision was made yesterday.

Since last December, Astrid has had a right-sided head tilt as well as occasional unsteadiness on her feet. Her vet saw her multiple times since then, and since her symptoms stayed steady and didn't progress for roughly 8 months, we assumed she had idiopathic old dog vestibular disease, which isn't caused by anything malignant. She indeed might have had just that in the beginning, but we'll never know.

Two weeks after getting a good grade at her exam in July, with excellent lab work results as well, Astrid had a pretty significant vestibular episode. The worst of the symptoms actually did improve throughout August, but Astrid never returned to her normal self completely. When I look back now, I can recognize some of the early, small signs of what ultimately took her from us. She also developed a lot of anxiety and restlessness over the past few weeks, and increasing and adding various meds did little to nothing to help.

On Monday night, Astrid took a turn for the worse. She was incredibly anxious and restless, and she began displaying very distinctive head pressing on her right side. If you've ever seen head pressing in a dog, it's very concerning and distressing, and it's a very bad sign. She also started acting as if she couldn't properly use either of her right legs, and she very suddenly started acting blind in her right eye. I'm sure I don't have to tell you all how bad those signs are. We finally got her to sleep that night by upping her gabapentin, and she seemed to actually rest well enough once the dose of that kicked in.

Astrid's usual vet is out on Tuesdays, which made me incredibly anxious, as I genuinely value his input. But, we saw my second favorite vet yesterday. We had to carry Astrid in on a stretcher, as she couldn't walk on her own, and that was an awful experience in and of itself. The vet did an exam and said that her main guess for Astrid's quick decline was, unsurprisingly, a brain tumor. She agreed that Astrid was head pressing to the right and that her right eye was not reacting to stimuli properly. And she also had recently developed excessive muscle atrophy on the right side of her head, another bad sign. She was also clearly distressed, and she'd been anxiously panting for hours. 

We made the heartbreaking decision to end Astrid's suffering. She was clearly in extreme distress. She'd always been a very independent dog her whole life, and being unable to walk or go to the bathroom on her own did not offer her the dignity she deserved. My sister and I were with Astrid the entire time, telling her how much she always has been and always will be loved, and how amazing she made the past 12 years for us.

I'd be lying if I said I haven't been going through all the guilt and thoughts of "I wish I'd had more tests done on her" and "I wish I'd known sooner" and "I wish I'd tried this or that". I know that's normal, and it happens every time, but I can't help but worry that I didn't do enough for Astrid. That said, I know that I didn't want her to suffer, and I didn't want to prolong her distress for my sake. I love her far too much to do that.

I love you always and forever, Astrid. Always. I will never forget you. Enjoy all of that running and jumping in heaven without pain. Until we meet again, my sweet girl.